Forty. One. The one feels akin to a glaring eye. Almost soul piercing intention. You gone wake up or nah, sis? This is halftime years before the second half.
Why does my 40th seem like it was last weekend yet miles between them? my, my, how i have been busy. Slowly growing my dream over here (my dream with you in it)... what is happening? Is this real life? Yes. Yes ma'am, Miss Kelly Denise, in many ways you are toe to toe with discomfort and you are looking her dead in her eyes in a way you have never.
okay, well, maybe a teensy bit of fake it till i make it. But, my faith in this pursuit is unwavering. wouldn't it be so lovely to have such confidence in every area of my life? guess that would defeat the whole purpose of the journey. as with most major events (and all the time in between), i find myself in this reflective space. i am learning many lessons. that part will never cease, i see.
i am paying closer attention. we call this mindfulness in therapy, and oh what a wonderful gift it is. tuning in by the practice of mindfulness certainly does not always feel like a gift. my childhood self-contract clings to desperate fears. my amygdala on perma-alert, those damn residual trauma impacts.
wooooo, yall. the neurocognitive impacts of trauma coming soon, it will literally change your brain structure.
i am gaining some insight raht now.... (reminder that this is from my research and personal experience as a practitioner and fellow human, i reserve the right to change, shift and grow at any time.)
- 1- There is a SIGNIFICANT effect on a wounded soul by the environment and relationships that surround the person. The more input/ transactions/ importance, the broader the impact.
- 2- Perception is EVERYTHING. How things are viewed can shift the WHOLE paradigm.
- 3- A person KNOWS their truth, who they really are, and has all of the answers within them already. They merely need to be reminded of who they are. see number 1, this KNOWING can be difficult when mixed feedback is being logged into the soul.
- 4- Input goes through many channels of assessment within a person, and over time WILL have some autonomy thereby creating patterns of thinking and behaviors that may FEEL like their truth, but it can actually be highly distorted - this is when we feel "conflicted."
- 5- what is with ATTACHMENT?! I am practicing participant observation and curiosity (selfishly) to what and why people cling to ideas, beliefs, relationships, physical and material items, resentments, etcetera. Just because something is COMFORTABLE does not make it right. that being said, is it REALLY comfortable if there is discomfort?! just by that sentence, this is impossible.
- 6- Discomfort is a helpful means of intrinsic guidance. It is often misdiagnosed as we hit that subsconscious for a shot of denial serotonin so that we can feign control over the discomfort temporarily without having to be brave and walk through pain. Yet- hello, resisting that pain and moving through it, we SUFFER. Suffering is the name of the game. It is what we know.
- 7- All humans desire similar fulfillment, it aint that far from a helpless infant really, we just have different soul holes that need filling to reach that state of balance and stability. When we figure out the soul holes, we are more equipped to find the path(s) to fill 'em on up. Problem i'm seeing is we start grasping at fillers without self-awareness, and we get lost and found and lost again. If a person has no natural tendency to seek more depth and quality of self-enlightenment, then generally this journey is delayed and the catalyst is the painful experiences and unconscious self-imposed suffering.
I said what i said, SELF IMPOSED SUFFERING.
Bad shit has happened to me, to you. But, I would say NINETY PERCENT, 90%, 0.90 - is due to our reactions and responses to these events.
Our reactions and/or responses are based on our self-identity, self-contracts, self-worth, values and goals. More than these influence our choices, but this is the fundamental layout.
Back to 1 up there ^ and apply - Our self-identity, self-contracts, self-worth, values and goals (among other influencers) are directly impacted (either supported or challenged, positively and/ or negatively) by our environment and RELATIONSHIPS with the people, places and things around us.
IF a person is given the proper "soul fillers"- this briefly made that old Soul Train show play in my minds eye. The dancers take turns moving through the center of the others where they are highlighted for their unique style and movement. Everyone is smiling, clapping and encouraging. Each dancer looks relaxed and happy while giving THEIR expression of the song playing in their bodily exertion. No one appears frightened or hesitant. No one attempts to replicate another. Everyone seems to enjoy watching the others and performing theirselves. Diversity is present and nurtured. There is no right or wrong. Each expression of dance is not judged, only supported. Each dancer feels free to repeat their expression or change their dance entirely every time they perform.
Man, I'll make a lesson out of anything 🌚
Welcome to my brain. The hungry little hippo.
Okay, so what we have here is a basic template for the makings of recovery implementation. Recovery from what? Suffering, duh. Confusion, restlessness, discontent -
We must be willing to open our minds and mind-hearts to the possibility that crow is best self-served and humbly within our ever evolving search for... TOTAL HAPPINESS. i may have just rolled my eyes typing that. The notion of TOTAL happiness seems like a pie in the sky, way out of my oxygen zone. I mean, i will allow myself some snaps for extraordinary progress, but i will be transparent in that my biggest growth zones have been born through total self-destruction. Like I have previously said, my comeback game is GOAT. Built out of a pure and organic self-determined F-U to those that have (in my mind) wanted me, well, dead, When i say dead, I don't mean humanly terminated - I mean my soul. Those spaces in life when I felt LOST.
I should say there are many paths to self-truth, and honestly I have not seen a real pretty one yet. We all have both darkness and light in ourselves and in our journey.
a hungry soul will feast on crumbs.
what did she say? A HUNGRY SOUL WILL FEAST ON CRUMBS.
hell, we are already unconsciously dictating our input into a perception that serves the current status of SELF. our filters are powerful weapons who are very much built on good intentions - protection.
Think about this more simply - if i believe that I am hard to love, I will accept a person's unloving behavior towards me. I will rationalize and justify and literally take on the total responsibility of another in order to keep "love" that makes me feel hard to love because i am owning both that i am unlovable and that i am the cause of the unlovability. Well, i feel silly just writing that. BUT THAT IS WHAT WE DO. Until we can discern, set boundaries, and be brave.
I have heard and repeated that a person is unable to give to others what they do not have for themselves. (don't ever forget my disclaimer about my eternal option to change my perceptions and beliefs) - NOW, you know, moving into this 4-1 space which is way more enlightened than that dummy kel at level 4-0 😋, I believe i am committed to swing to the other side of this pendulum.
Let me explain - I believe that we give of ourselves in relational dynamics a reflection of what we want from the environment and relationships that are important us. We give what we think feels right and good. (Side note - the wellness center will definitely be doing a series related to this at some point involving love languages and attachment styles! Very important stuff here on the self-awareness to change train! chugga, chugga!) This concept is much more broad, but I will use that I, me, KELLY D, I love affirmations. I love the confirmation that affirmations give to my ever evolving healing process. Right?! Thank you! Every time someone notices or compliments something about me that i have worked hard on, it is like co-signing my new self-contract so that i can renegotiate the terms i formed in childhood or adolescence. I shift and make permanence in the more accurate, realistic, and yes, POSITIVE - Self-identity thus tipping the scales into (way-ment, I am?!?...Pitch please, you ARE!) lovable, worthy, good enough, MORE than good enough, eccetera. Here is the real deal Holyfield though...
(Number 3 up there) THIS IS NOT A CHANGE IN CHARACTER OR PERSON, it is only a revelation of a person's true self that they already knew but had forgotten(?) in the absolute fraudulent imposition by the environmental and relational influences they incurred. So, this sort of peeling, shedding, detoxing - is merely a return to love, (oh my gosh, i LOVE LOVE LOVE, Marianne Williamson and all of her expressions of miracle work), a return to authentic self, a return to the abundance of peace and confidence that is sequelae, and OMG, wouldn't you know?! A revolution of self in every aspect from here on out.
Decisions made from that space to create a new future will inherently be much different than the latter.
You see?! It is all connected. It is all LOVE. It is all belonging and connection. That is where our happiness exists. It is NOT some unattainable feat where we must dim our light, or sacrifice our true and authentic self. We must only become brave enough to find her, love her, and live her - our vibrational energy will attract what is meant for us IF we do not cling to attachment. We are drawn to where we feel connected, understood, and valuable. Without these, we whither.
So, 4-1, ya ready?!
(my intrinsic itty bitty shitty committee just pinged my alert brain, NOOOOOO, I can't, I won't, I am not ready, I am not equipped)
But to that committee, I say, I am putting out vibrational ads to attract a much more supportive inner dialogue, dare i visualize some little mini-kelly cheerleaders, and you shit talkers will be replaced as my conscious intention will be supported by reattachment where needed (those environments and people that autonomously provoke a more free and authentic kelly) and I will also do my part by striving not to judge myself as i navigate. I WILL continue to GIVE GIVE GIVE my gifts for those who are able to receive them, and I will not be closed to the messages my future self is sending me in the world around me. I just had this urge to use the word WOKE. There it is. Not sure the context.
This new revolution around our giant gassy star is demanding an increase in bravery, transparency, honesty, boldness, and oh i am putting in the hard work that will make it meaningful and honorable to my true passion and purpose. I am proud of myself. I am motivated differently. I am a healer, a servant, a hopeful lil thespian. I am empowered. I am free to choose.
I will not remove jewels from my crown to fit small hands. I will strengthen hands, straighten other's crowns, and i will lift their chins to look discomfort in the eye. I will accept the love that is offered to me, I will reject what does not resonate with my authentic self - SHE IS FREE, SHE IS LOUD, SHE IS ART, SHE IS PASSION, SHE IS ENERGY, LOVE & LIGHT. She is a GODDESS of love & light with a soul contract from god to live in it, give it, share it, write it, pray it, SPEAK it into life.
Brave & Vulnerable, Humbly Yours,
Kelly Smith, LCSW
Founder & Owner of Holistic Health Therapy Empowerment Wellness Center
holistichealththerapycenter.com
our gifts are ours so that we may live in honor of our true self and purpose.
I look forward to meeting whom i am intended to through this blog life journey. thank you for allowing me to share🧘♀️
http://www.esalq.usp.br/lepse/imgs/conteudo_thumb/Everything-in-life-is-Vibration.pdf
Marianne Williamson A return to Love
https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
Love your blogs!
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