A return to love, the state of the authentic self.

i have a dream, and you are in it.

 i have always been drawn to, i would say even hungry for - more. i don't know how to better describe the constant themes of my writings over the many years i have used journaling and poetry to pull out the thoughts and yearnings of my soul. 

there has always been this constant nag. this searchingness. as a child, i felt separate, not belonging. i could not identify certain sources of my discomfort and restlessness until much later in life. 

somehow along the way, basically floundering about - riding waves of finding periods of what i believed to be increased stability and connection, only to return to insecurity and an unquenchable drought. during my more lost moments, i managed to make some fairly grave life errors which have resulted in dire consequences. also i see now in this future self, that every dark period, was also a special and defining part of my journey. 

i have always been transient. some may even call me brave. i have not felt brave, but i contend that i am one helluva survivor. i have the complete and total destruction comeback game on GOAT. every single time i hit a wall, hitchhiking my way through life with a back pack and starting fresh. that is what i would convince myself, starting fresh. but every time i have started fresh, i have left behind and lost pieces of myself and developed some highly maladaptive thinking and behavioral patterns to survive and... 

dare i say, THRIVE. 

it is truly this dichotomy of self. when faced with crisis and the walls falling in, there is this part of me that always shows up guns blazing. the tumble is painful, full of suffering and self-fulfilling prophecies of unworthiness and separation. i carried anger and blame and pity just to spite myself. drinking poison in the hope that another will die if you if will. at the same time, my heart yearning for loving connection, to be SEEN, to be UNDERSTOOD. 

unfortunately, i never really had the tools to create these soul fillers for myself and made unconscious patterns of putting bandaids on bullet holes. i did things that made me feel alive and excited, confusing this for happiness. getting bored easily, i found a way burn things down and blame the world and god for being such an unfair and unjust human experience. 

i fought endlessly against the self-identity i forged in childhood as i endured abuse, isolation, and emotional neglect. i was also gifted the opportunity to literally live around the world and experience the influence of so many different places and cultures. i am traveled and was given many great and wonderful moments that others never will get to check off their bucket list. living in japan for three years, skiing and staying in a castle in Banff, Canada, learning to surf in Hawaii - all before i was even a teenager. i recognize now these special things. unfortunately, much is cloaked and shadowed by exposure to intermittent warfare within my immediate world. 

my life, like many, is riddled with complex conflict, abuse, and exposure to dysfunction and peril that created in me a confused and lost young girl who made choices in rebellion masking cries for love and stability. it is difficult to write this freely and consider how it will make those who read it feel. i have complicated and complex ongoing struggles with the people in my life story. 

you ever feel like wishing someone would hear and feel your pain so that they have to carry their part of it? but when you give it to them, and it elicits a reaction not aligned with your expectation, you find only further separation and feelings of hurt? that is how i have always felt when i speak my truth. i can also be a vicious tongued and monster of a rageful heart - using the most hurtful things i can spew to set fire to what i perceive as the source of my pain. i know now that anger is fear and pain exploding from a lack of feeling validated, understood, or valuable. boy have i carried those feelings of lack for as long as i can remember. part of grasping to find a sense of understanding, self-awareness and control of my destiny, i have found identity in multiple places from many sources. i have owned many selves for brief periods trying to figure out which is truly me. i can say that every time i became a version of self, i was genuine in that pursuit and authentically attempted to fulfill that version of self. 

i have found solace that remained persistent in very few areas. i have always and remain a lover of reading, writing, music, anything creative and cathartic. i used to feel flustered and revert into childhood vulnerability, emotional upheaval and inadequacy when i would attempt to more deeply connect with others, including the very people that were a part of the self-creation and suffering. this led to me acquiring a fear of deep connection and angst in attachment. i used my imagination to survive childhood, and can remember my fantasy worlds more vividly than anything real. the real is broken and fragmented in pieces of scenes and overshadowed by the emotions attached. i cannot tell you certain things about my abuse victimization, but i can crisply describe how i felt every time my mother left me alone with him. or how i felt when i told her and she blamed my wild imagination. i realize now that was her self-preservation and denial, i get it, but it does not make it better. i don't remember why she hit me that night i slipped out of the window and ran all the way to Jessica's house. i just know i went to where i knew i would find comfort. i understand much better now how to deflate the anger and hurt by putting yourself in someone else's shoes. emphasis on the - this does not make it better or okay, it only reduces the the attached suffering and feelings of personal assault that defined all of the negative self-worth. 

here is the bottom line: people (even the closest to you) who have violated, were not doing it TO you. they did, though. do not get this confused for justification or rationalization. but, hear this: PEOPLE ARE NOT AGAINST YOU, THEY ARE FOR THEMSELVES. 

repeat, people are not against you, they are for themselves. people do things to you only if there is some expectation of self-benefit, either consciously or subconsciously. everything is self-driven and self-centered until people evolve in their self-awareness and graduate into growth in emotional intelligence. 

i can apply this to myself as well. i have been a victim of severe human suffering, but i have certainly caused pain to others along the way. in reflection, i know that each time i sit in shame for the things i carry guilt for - through growth and the practice of forgiveness and compassion (you'll find that in therapy, the most important person you'll have to forgive is you, even in the parts you were completely innocent and vulnerable) - i can see beyond the regretful behavior into the soul of the moment. i can see my fear, pain, lostness, and the catalyst (not excuse) for the execution. seeing self and others through this lens offers some freedom from the binding to who they or you were during that time. ie, i have been angry, but i am not an angry person. i have been rejected, but i am not unlovable. i may have been abandoned, but it was not because i am unworthy of staying. etcetera, eccetera.

i have always thrived in fantasy and projected unrealistic standards of expectations on myself and others trying to repair the broken parts of me with overcompensation, perfectionism, and being and doing everything people told me i would not or could not. i have much more to share with you, but for now - welcome to my story in blog. this is my first blog ever. am i now a blogger?!

aye. i have only ever shared my beyond surface self in my writing and darkness to a few. the poor few whom i have shared the ugly parts of grime and shadow self and stuck around are the most special humans in my heart treasure box. they help me carry the heaviness that is unevenly distributed because there are so few hands capable of carrying. to my own demise, i give people a presentation of energy, light and confidence that albeit authentic, it is only a part of my true self. when faced with the corroded caves of morbid things, most are unable to bare that side. they too, needed the fantasy. it is exhausting living without balance. 

i am here, as a healing and healer, servant to discovery and purpose, to be for others strong hands and heart to carry the darkness and open the curtains of light. i can help. i have to help. it is why i am alive and the mission of my soul while housed in this human shell. 

to be continued.